Down in the dumps

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever meant to have permanent friends. I latch onto toxic people who treat me like shit and give me hell and back and never am able to make friends with good intentioned people. I'm weak and I crave dependancy. My "best friends" treat me like strangers and don't motivate me to do anything. I don't feel motivated to even talk to them anymore; I don't feel motivated to talk to anybody except Anthony. When Anthony is busy or doesn't respond I don't have anybody. I intentionally isolate myself when there are several options of people to reach out to. I know I can't be so self-entitled and expect people to always ask me what's wrong or to be caring but it's the fact that nobody has ever done that for me. When acquaintances want to talk to me it's usually cause they have nobody else online to talk to so I'm their last resort to rant to. I've literally become a listening sponge, I soak up everybody's problems (including my own) and am never given the opportunity to be squeezed dry. When I don't talk to people they assume I'm uppity and too good for them (or that I'm doing fine and don't need to be checked up on) when in reality I'm drowning.. Struggling to ask for help in the smallest whisper possible and still nobody notices. If I post I want to die that's too "attention seeking and bold" but if I just post something subtle about depression in general nobody even cares. I feel as if I'm in this "10 mile radius separated from everyone" barrier and I can't get out. The only way to comfort myself at being alone is to stuff my face with food nonstop. There's literally nobody willing to reach out for me with a life-saver ring, everyone I meet just sort of nudges it towards me and then leaves cause they think I can handle it on my own.. but I can't.. I need love, I need support, I need positive people that are understanding and aren't as damaged as I am.. maybe that's my problem.. but that doesn't work either because even with happy people they get annoyed of me because I'm always negative and down.. So that just leaves the option of remaining alone with nobody to talk to. Literally every "friend" I've asked about hanging out sometime has subtly attempted to ignore the offer or has never actually followed through with the idea. It's not like I want to die.. there's so much to do.. but I'm tired of being stuck in this constant loop of melancholy.. Nobody to genuinely lean on.. I need those people that hear you're down and automatically come to your rescue and say "cmon we're going for a drive" or "lets just go out for some fresh air" or "lets go get in n out at 1 in the morning and talk about it".. nobody has done that for me.. I've grown used to false promises or a bunch of lies that lead me on and crush my hopes. Nothing catches me off guard anymore, I'm so broken and worn down.. I'm so fed up with being my own motivation to get up everyday, I've lived for myself for so long.. I need something else to look forward to every day.. I seriously debate if something is that wrong with me and people are just too scared to say anything so they stay quiet.. Is it because I'm fat? Is this just another repeat of middle school?? Have I become the fat quiet girl in class and haven't realized how bad it's gotten?? Maybe.. that would explain a lot.. If it is, it's not shocking that people are still that shallow.. I just want to sleep and eat and sleep and not do anything anymore.. Maybe that's why there's so much self-hate and negligence towards myself.. I don't take care of my body because I don't believe I'm worth being taken care of.. That's why I eat so much, sleep so little, put all this crap in my body, live recklessly.. I wish somebody could walk into my life and stay.. Even when I don't talk.. I want somebody to fight to be here.. even when I don't feel like fighting any longer..