Down in the dumps

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever meant to have permanent friends. I latch onto toxic people who treat me like shit and give me hell and back and never am able to make friends with good intentioned people. I'm weak and I crave dependancy. My "best friends" treat me like strangers and don't motivate me to do anything. I don't feel motivated to even talk to them anymore; I don't feel motivated to talk to anybody except Anthony. When Anthony is busy or doesn't respond I don't have anybody. I intentionally isolate myself when there are several options of people to reach out to. I know I can't be so self-entitled and expect people to always ask me what's wrong or to be caring but it's the fact that nobody has ever done that for me. When acquaintances want to talk to me it's usually cause they have nobody else online to talk to so I'm their last resort to rant to. I've literally become a listening sponge, I soak up everybody's problems (including my own) and am never given the opportunity to be squeezed dry. When I don't talk to people they assume I'm uppity and too good for them (or that I'm doing fine and don't need to be checked up on) when in reality I'm drowning.. Struggling to ask for help in the smallest whisper possible and still nobody notices. If I post I want to die that's too "attention seeking and bold" but if I just post something subtle about depression in general nobody even cares. I feel as if I'm in this "10 mile radius separated from everyone" barrier and I can't get out. The only way to comfort myself at being alone is to stuff my face with food nonstop. There's literally nobody willing to reach out for me with a life-saver ring, everyone I meet just sort of nudges it towards me and then leaves cause they think I can handle it on my own.. but I can't.. I need love, I need support, I need positive people that are understanding and aren't as damaged as I am.. maybe that's my problem.. but that doesn't work either because even with happy people they get annoyed of me because I'm always negative and down.. So that just leaves the option of remaining alone with nobody to talk to. Literally every "friend" I've asked about hanging out sometime has subtly attempted to ignore the offer or has never actually followed through with the idea. It's not like I want to die.. there's so much to do.. but I'm tired of being stuck in this constant loop of melancholy.. Nobody to genuinely lean on.. I need those people that hear you're down and automatically come to your rescue and say "cmon we're going for a drive" or "lets just go out for some fresh air" or "lets go get in n out at 1 in the morning and talk about it".. nobody has done that for me.. I've grown used to false promises or a bunch of lies that lead me on and crush my hopes. Nothing catches me off guard anymore, I'm so broken and worn down.. I'm so fed up with being my own motivation to get up everyday, I've lived for myself for so long.. I need something else to look forward to every day.. I seriously debate if something is that wrong with me and people are just too scared to say anything so they stay quiet.. Is it because I'm fat? Is this just another repeat of middle school?? Have I become the fat quiet girl in class and haven't realized how bad it's gotten?? Maybe.. that would explain a lot.. If it is, it's not shocking that people are still that shallow.. I just want to sleep and eat and sleep and not do anything anymore.. Maybe that's why there's so much self-hate and negligence towards myself.. I don't take care of my body because I don't believe I'm worth being taken care of.. That's why I eat so much, sleep so little, put all this crap in my body, live recklessly.. I wish somebody could walk into my life and stay.. Even when I don't talk.. I want somebody to fight to be here.. even when I don't feel like fighting any longer..

Inner Thoughts towards Mom

Hey mom, yeah you know what you're not always the victim I hope you weren't convinced that was the truth.
Me getting help? Me going to group therapy? That's making progress.
You criticizing me and judging me for grieving still? That's erasing my progress.
It's none of your business how I grieve, you don't bother to ask me how I'm doing so if I want to go out and get help you have no right to stop me.
None of this is my fault and I resent every word you spit out that says I do.
I'm tired of hiding how I'm feeling, I can never truly move on unless I speak about how I'm feeling don't you fucking understand??
Watching your dad die is fucking traumatizing, seeing the paramedics unable to revive him? Watching them call the time of death, like it was some CSI t.v. show and you were waiting for the director to call cut?
I'm deeply affected by this, and you don't get it.
You can't make me happy, telling me to move on over my dad dying? Wtf is wrong with you like seriously? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS HELP MORE THAN I DO, JFC.
Yeah you have problems you talk to your dead mom that's normal, you out of all people need the therapy. Don't you try and dare be like poor me feel bad for me, this isn't about you.
Missing one period of class a week isn't going to hurt me, I'm excused for this group. I DO have my head focused on my grades, if I didn't I would be fucking failing everything you dip shit.
You think I don't have my head already focused on applying to colleges?
You must be really stupid.
Of course I want to get out of here as soon as possible, why would I want to stay with someone like you.
Someone as destructive and ugly as you can never be loved.
Accusing me of being an alcoholic? I'd be blessed if I was a fucking alcoholic so I wouldn't have to be zoned into such a shitty life and maybe a car would hit me so I could be relieved of all this stress. HA
As if you would care. I blatantly told you it wouldn't matter if I was hurting, it wouldn't matter if I was dead and you skipped right over it and moved back to yourself. You're fucking unbelievable, I can't wait to get out of here and finally start my life without a toxic piece of shit like you around.

Order 31 is here!!
PROMOTE D-STUDENT PRODUCTIONS EVERYWHERE.
Now I'm off to go to exactly that (-:
Later taters,
Serena

I feel like painting,
I feel like dancing,
I feel like loving,
I feel like laughing.

Dad

It broke my heart to lose you,
but you did not go alone.
A part of me went with you,
the day God took you home.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartaches make a lane,
I'd walk my way to heaven
and bring you back again.
In life I loved you Daddy,
and in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place,
that no one could ever fill.

Though I'm agnostic and don't believe in the whole religion thing, one ponders if a God exists. I lost my father on January 2nd 2014. What a way to start off the new year huh? It's been a really rough week. Whenever I do things my mind isn't focused. It only results back to missing him. People tell me not to cry because he wouldn't want to see me sad. But if he was watching me, wouldn't he give me signs or signals? I haven't experienced anything yet... So when you hear that quote: "You never know how much a person means to you until they're gone." take it seriously. I thought it would be a long while until I had to lose my dad, but nope. He just left right then and there. There's guilt, regrets, memories, so much shit just rushing through my brain. I don't sleep well anymore. I don't eat normally. I can't rely on him anymore. It's not fair. Nothing's fair in life. Only got myself to rely on. 

I don't respect either of you, you're both shitty assholes. Any sort of emotional connection you thought we had is entirely lost, so stop trying to scramble and pick up the pieces because we're a broken family whether you like it or not.

By the way...
Major thanks to D-Student-Aaron for hooking me up to contribute on the blogger page, if you have no idea what DStudentProductions is yet, than what the fuck are you doing!

Get your hand out of your pants and click on some of these links;

•  Blogger: http://dstudentproductions.blogspot.com/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dstudentproductions
• Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/dstudentproductions/
• Twitter: https://twitter.com/DStudentProd
• Website: http://www.dstudentproductions.com/