Inner Thoughts towards Mom

Hey mom, yeah you know what you're not always the victim I hope you weren't convinced that was the truth.
Me getting help? Me going to group therapy? That's making progress.
You criticizing me and judging me for grieving still? That's erasing my progress.
It's none of your business how I grieve, you don't bother to ask me how I'm doing so if I want to go out and get help you have no right to stop me.
None of this is my fault and I resent every word you spit out that says I do.
I'm tired of hiding how I'm feeling, I can never truly move on unless I speak about how I'm feeling don't you fucking understand??
Watching your dad die is fucking traumatizing, seeing the paramedics unable to revive him? Watching them call the time of death, like it was some CSI t.v. show and you were waiting for the director to call cut?
I'm deeply affected by this, and you don't get it.
You can't make me happy, telling me to move on over my dad dying? Wtf is wrong with you like seriously? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS HELP MORE THAN I DO, JFC.
Yeah you have problems you talk to your dead mom that's normal, you out of all people need the therapy. Don't you try and dare be like poor me feel bad for me, this isn't about you.
Missing one period of class a week isn't going to hurt me, I'm excused for this group. I DO have my head focused on my grades, if I didn't I would be fucking failing everything you dip shit.
You think I don't have my head already focused on applying to colleges?
You must be really stupid.
Of course I want to get out of here as soon as possible, why would I want to stay with someone like you.
Someone as destructive and ugly as you can never be loved.
Accusing me of being an alcoholic? I'd be blessed if I was a fucking alcoholic so I wouldn't have to be zoned into such a shitty life and maybe a car would hit me so I could be relieved of all this stress. HA
As if you would care. I blatantly told you it wouldn't matter if I was hurting, it wouldn't matter if I was dead and you skipped right over it and moved back to yourself. You're fucking unbelievable, I can't wait to get out of here and finally start my life without a toxic piece of shit like you around.

Order 31 is here!!
PROMOTE D-STUDENT PRODUCTIONS EVERYWHERE.
Now I'm off to go to exactly that (-:
Later taters,
Serena

I feel like painting,
I feel like dancing,
I feel like loving,
I feel like laughing.

Dad

It broke my heart to lose you,
but you did not go alone.
A part of me went with you,
the day God took you home.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartaches make a lane,
I'd walk my way to heaven
and bring you back again.
In life I loved you Daddy,
and in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place,
that no one could ever fill.

Though I'm agnostic and don't believe in the whole religion thing, one ponders if a God exists. I lost my father on January 2nd 2014. What a way to start off the new year huh? It's been a really rough week. Whenever I do things my mind isn't focused. It only results back to missing him. People tell me not to cry because he wouldn't want to see me sad. But if he was watching me, wouldn't he give me signs or signals? I haven't experienced anything yet... So when you hear that quote: "You never know how much a person means to you until they're gone." take it seriously. I thought it would be a long while until I had to lose my dad, but nope. He just left right then and there. There's guilt, regrets, memories, so much shit just rushing through my brain. I don't sleep well anymore. I don't eat normally. I can't rely on him anymore. It's not fair. Nothing's fair in life. Only got myself to rely on. 

I don't respect either of you, you're both shitty assholes. Any sort of emotional connection you thought we had is entirely lost, so stop trying to scramble and pick up the pieces because we're a broken family whether you like it or not.

By the way...
Major thanks to D-Student-Aaron for hooking me up to contribute on the blogger page, if you have no idea what DStudentProductions is yet, than what the fuck are you doing!

Get your hand out of your pants and click on some of these links;

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Ever have days where you just feel so insignificant to the world? If you logically think about it, we're one galaxy out of millions in the universe. In our galaxy there are a bunch of planets, a shit ton of stars, and a bunch of asteroids/comets. And we're just one of those ridiculously huge planets. Most of us don't aim to be remembered, that's not our goal in life. (Well, not mine anyway. My goal in life is to find myself and to achieve utter happiness. Not one because I'm spending money, or eating something good. But a genuine form of happiness.) So what's the big deal with being remembered? In the end you die alone. You don't die with your friends. You don't die with your family. You don't die with your soulmate. You die alone. In your coffin. Laying alone. (or you burn alone if you dig that cremation shit) Sooner or later people are going to forget you. So why try so hard? Aren't you just wasting time that you could be using to actually live your life and do wild shit that YOU will remember? People are so focused in on impressing others that they become something they're entirely not. Jesus Christ turn off that television for fucks sake and try doodling, singing, painting, SOMETHING that YOU have done yourself. Don't look for the spoon of life to feed you something brilliant, because it's not coming.