First Love

Love is such a cruel thing.
It disguises itself in this romanticized facade that makes you want to eagerly obtain it and possibly even try to understand its entire concept.
You can't truly fathom or really express the feeling that you get when you fall in love with somebody for the first time. Or perhaps the feelings that you get when you begin to notice yourself falling out of love with that same person.
It's painful, it's amazing; it's everything you crave but everything you've been warned about growing up.
When I first met you, you were the bad boy you were the stoner. You made my heart race, you made me nervous. You held my hand the entire movie on our first date, you were the first boy I ever let hold me by the waist.
I came to you broken and insecure; a girl that avoided looking at herself in the mirror because all that she saw were the ridicules that society had shoved down her throat and now she was forced to pick up the pieces.. which were scattered all over the floor.. too depressed to look within herself to see what was the matter..
You told me I was beautiful and that no other girl could make you feel the way I did. I was doubtful and remained stern with my insecurities, ensuring repetitively that nobody could possibly love somebody as pathetic as me. That everybody I ever met always left and that every time it was always all of my fault.
You kissed me for the first time and it felt like I was dreaming. A boy?? Kissing me?? How could this be happening? A boy I barely knew seeing me so naked?? So vulnerable, so innocent I was back then. Was I thinking? Not one bit. Maybe that was why I could finally be "happy".
When I saw you walk into a room I was so lovestruck, so lucky to be your girlfriend. Never the other way around. You told me you loved me, and I earnestly told you I loved you. That's what people do right? Normal couples? Happy couples? Nothing like the constant screaming and yelling and hatred that I grew up witnessing, so that must be how it works?
Then it was the first fight, the first slap of reality within our love bound Neverland. Then it was the first break, which lasted only a day or two max before I felt the depths of loneliness kick in and I hurried back to the one thing that I felt safe with. Then it was the realization of how I was becoming manipulative and cold, and how you were becoming comfortable.. too comfortable in your bad habits..
It's scary wondering what life is like out there in the real world.. with real people with real feelings.. people that won't put up with all of my shit like you did.. People that will you dump you on your ass the second you start acting up with some childish bullshit.
It's scary wondering how long I will be alone again.. It took me 15 years to finally find a boyfriend.. and how long will it be until the next one? I remember begging and wishing on every birthday to
"please give me a boyfriend" "please have my crush like me back" It never happened.. until I met you.
It's scary how one day you can go from "I love you", "I want to grow old and have kids with you", " I want to buy that little old blue house downtown and have a future with you" to suddenly, "I can't deal with this anymore", "You've broken that promise one too many times". It all hurts so much to think about.. That's why I clung on, thats' why I stuck around for you so long.. The fear of being alone..
Before no boy ever did anything for me.. I always was my own valentine, my own motivation, my own voice of reasoning. I was suicidal and depressed, and you stepped in and fixed everything.. for a while at least.. Until one day those three words stopped working. I didn't feel "saved" or "happy" or "normal" anymore.
I enjoyed your company, I no longer lusted for romantic things. My social anxiety was worsening, you were no longer my antidote. I could feel you caring less and less as I became more and more of a burden to deal with. As the days came closer for me to leave to college, our original plan of staying together and becoming long distance was fading more quicker than I could understand. Your promises of getting a license and getting a job and going to school, or even becoming a film cinematographer were also vanishing. I didn't want this to end. It's only been two years I thought to myself, how could it already be over? I could feel my heart breaking, I could feel my sense of worthlessness kicking back in again. I was broken before I met you and that was something I often forgot. YOU cannot fix me, I can only fix myself. I jumped into this relationship only 4 months after my dad died. I had a lot of demons I had forgotten about or hypothetically swept under my ever growing rug. Sometimes people grow apart instead of growing together. I can tell we grew apart after finding out you had a lot of resentment towards me whilst you revealed your honest thoughts.
I was technically in the wrong for trying to change you from being a stoner into this proper professional guy that I could bring home to Mom and maybe for once get some form of acceptance. I was hoping that you would snap out of this phase of smoking and being too high to think and doing nothing but play video games and eat pizza. But maybe thats who you want to be and I can't change that. I just hope you remember what your sisters told you about how I'm so good for you and that you better not fuck up, and maybe hopefully you treat the next girl you find better. And you love that girl with all of your being and you never let go you hear me? You learn from me and you learn how to communicate your feelings and you remember to always buy her flowers when she's feeling down. You remember to spoil her with presents randomly and not have to wait for a specific time to do it. You treat that girl like a queen and you don't bring up or mention anybody else.
I'll take that knife in the heart and be that lesson to you. That lesson that you tell your grandkids about, the lesson that you remember when you're 80 and sitting in a rocking chair trying to remember where exactly you went wrong. Or maybe where I went wrong.
No matter what I loved you, and you loved me and that's the point of this entire story. Love isn't this perfect eternal thing. Its full of arguments and support and trust and most importantly love. I didn't even have those things with myself yet I rushed to force it with another person. For that I am sorry. I really am. Lets just hope I don't fall off the deep end because we ended. Maybe its time for me to learn to love me, and to try and be okay with myself first.

Down in the dumps

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever meant to have permanent friends. I latch onto toxic people who treat me like shit and give me hell and back and never am able to make friends with good intentioned people. I'm weak and I crave dependancy. My "best friends" treat me like strangers and don't motivate me to do anything. I don't feel motivated to even talk to them anymore; I don't feel motivated to talk to anybody except Anthony. When Anthony is busy or doesn't respond I don't have anybody. I intentionally isolate myself when there are several options of people to reach out to. I know I can't be so self-entitled and expect people to always ask me what's wrong or to be caring but it's the fact that nobody has ever done that for me. When acquaintances want to talk to me it's usually cause they have nobody else online to talk to so I'm their last resort to rant to. I've literally become a listening sponge, I soak up everybody's problems (including my own) and am never given the opportunity to be squeezed dry. When I don't talk to people they assume I'm uppity and too good for them (or that I'm doing fine and don't need to be checked up on) when in reality I'm drowning.. Struggling to ask for help in the smallest whisper possible and still nobody notices. If I post I want to die that's too "attention seeking and bold" but if I just post something subtle about depression in general nobody even cares. I feel as if I'm in this "10 mile radius separated from everyone" barrier and I can't get out. The only way to comfort myself at being alone is to stuff my face with food nonstop. There's literally nobody willing to reach out for me with a life-saver ring, everyone I meet just sort of nudges it towards me and then leaves cause they think I can handle it on my own.. but I can't.. I need love, I need support, I need positive people that are understanding and aren't as damaged as I am.. maybe that's my problem.. but that doesn't work either because even with happy people they get annoyed of me because I'm always negative and down.. So that just leaves the option of remaining alone with nobody to talk to. Literally every "friend" I've asked about hanging out sometime has subtly attempted to ignore the offer or has never actually followed through with the idea. It's not like I want to die.. there's so much to do.. but I'm tired of being stuck in this constant loop of melancholy.. Nobody to genuinely lean on.. I need those people that hear you're down and automatically come to your rescue and say "cmon we're going for a drive" or "lets just go out for some fresh air" or "lets go get in n out at 1 in the morning and talk about it".. nobody has done that for me.. I've grown used to false promises or a bunch of lies that lead me on and crush my hopes. Nothing catches me off guard anymore, I'm so broken and worn down.. I'm so fed up with being my own motivation to get up everyday, I've lived for myself for so long.. I need something else to look forward to every day.. I seriously debate if something is that wrong with me and people are just too scared to say anything so they stay quiet.. Is it because I'm fat? Is this just another repeat of middle school?? Have I become the fat quiet girl in class and haven't realized how bad it's gotten?? Maybe.. that would explain a lot.. If it is, it's not shocking that people are still that shallow.. I just want to sleep and eat and sleep and not do anything anymore.. Maybe that's why there's so much self-hate and negligence towards myself.. I don't take care of my body because I don't believe I'm worth being taken care of.. That's why I eat so much, sleep so little, put all this crap in my body, live recklessly.. I wish somebody could walk into my life and stay.. Even when I don't talk.. I want somebody to fight to be here.. even when I don't feel like fighting any longer..